So let's say you're a guy who's been reading about boudoir pics (perhaps at THIS VERY BLOG), you find the idea intriguing, and you start to think that it might be nice to have some similar pictures of your special lady friend.
Today we're going to talk about how you might suggest that in a supportive and nonpressuring way. (Yes, that's right, it's another Unsolicited Relationship Advice post! Come for the racy pics and DJT rants, stay for the unsolicited relationship advice.)
I'm going to start with two baseline assumptions: (1) you already have a good relationship, and your lines of communication are open and clear; and (2) you have a good guess that she'd be receptive to the idea, or at least wouldn't be adamantly opposed to it.
If neither of those things is true, then this probably isn't the best time to go pushing for a boudoir shoot. As I've talked about before, boudoir pics frequently represent a significant gift of trust (not to mention a significant financial outlay, at least if you're using a good and established photographer), and if your relationship isn't currently as secure as it could be, then it may not be reasonable to ask for something that big. Meanwhile, if you happen to know that the lady would definitely not be open to the idea -- maybe she's extremely modest, or uncomfortable with her body at the moment, or this just plain isn't her style -- then, again, this might not be the time.
Boudoir isn't for everyone. It doesn't have to be for everyone. And with this as in all things: her body, her choice. Respect your partner's wishes, and don't push for something she truly does not want to do.
But assuming that she's curious and potentially into the idea, you shouldn't have to do a hard sell. What you might have to do is offer gentle encouragement, which I'd suggest structuring as follows:
1. Tell her why you want pictures of her.
This might be a hard one, because a lot of guys are unaccustomed to expressing their desires frankly and with sensitivity. The culture of Our Dumb Society hands you a whole lot of vocabulary about objectifying women at an emotional distance, but doesn't provide much help when it comes to earnestly and honestly telling your partner "you turn me on, and this is why."
To some extent, you're going to have to chart your own path here, and it's natural to feel self-conscious and awkward about that. It's totally normal to have flashbacks to the time you bared your heart to Mindy in ninth grade and got it stomped into paste and resolved to never ever do that again. Confessing your desires and being vulnerable -- even a little bit, even with a degree of self-protective irony -- is hard. It is!
But it's also really, really important. If you want her to do this for you, then you have to do this for her. You have to offer a little bit of vulnerability in turn and tell her, openly and with specificity, that the idea of having pictures of her turns you on, and why, and how.
There are a million impersonal beautiful women who are naked on the internet. You can look at them anytime. But there is only one lady you're asking to do this right now. So what you need to do is think hard and honestly about what makes her special, and why her pictures would be uniquely treasured, and why you want to see her, above and beyond all the other women in the world, in this light.
Then you have to tell her that. Many (read: all) women are self-conscious about perceived imperfections in their bodies, so this is where you really need to bolster her confidence that yes, she's attractive; yes, she's desirable; yes, you want to see her in pictures, and no one else in the world will do. Write it in a card if you can't work up the nerve to say it aloud (Valentine's and anniversaries are good for this, especially in combination with gifts as suggested below), or say it aloud if you can't work up the nerve to write it down -- whichever's easier. But tell her. Make it personal. Make her feel special, and make her understand why it's special to you.
2. Do the legwork for her.
Some women prefer to take charge and control their own projects from start to finish, and if your partner happens to be of this mindset, then you can safely skip this step. But if you're looking to make this as easy and stress-free as possible, then one of the ways you can do that is to look up boudoir photographers in your area. Figure out what's in your budget, who's got solid reviews, whose style you like, and whose aesthetic seems most likely to flatter your lady friend. If you know that she's more likely to be comfortable shooting with an all-female team, look for that.
Then, when you're ready to move forward with the proposal, you can point her to one or two of your top choices. Be ready to discuss why you picked out those photographers, and what in their portfolios made you think that they'd be able to put her at ease and portray her in the best light. Go through the samples together, if you like: this gives you an opportunity to talk about what she is and isn't comfortable showing, to get her thoughts on different poses and outfits (if you're thinking of buying lingerie in the future, listen carefully to what she likes), and to tell her (again! you can never do this too often!) how you'd like to see her.
3. Provide some inspiration.
Again, this might not be a step you need to spend much time on (if she prefers to work independently or wants to make it a surprise, step on out of the way), but if you think your partner would find it helpful, you might offer a little bit of inspiration as to her props or outfit.
I don't recommend laying out the entire ensemble and storyboarding her whole shoot for her -- it's supposed to be about what she likes and how she wants to be seen, and it's not for you to dictate her whole shoot -- but if you happened to buy an extra-nice piece of lingerie for Valentine's, or a special necklace for an anniversary, it might be a romantic gesture to ask for its inclusion. If the purpose of these pictures is not only to commemorate how lovely she looks, but her personal and irreplaceable importance to you, then including signifiers of your relationship in the shoot can add to the romance.
Besides, I'm a big advocate of building sentimental value into pieces by using them as touchstones as often as possible, e.g. giving a lovely trinket one year and then including that gift in a personal photograph the next year. It's a way to remember who you were at that moment in time, and how you felt about each other. Including the object as a symbol can help anchor the sentiment.
4. Offer to cover costs.
Good boudoir pics ain't cheap. You're paying for the time and talent of a photographer who's spent a lot of years building up those skills, and you're probably also paying for a makeup artist and hairstylist to help those pictures look as good as they possibly can. The investment is well worth it (really, you do not want to be the one who kicks off the Pinterest Fails of boudoir pics), but it is an investment.
So cover it. If you want the pics, don't ask her to pay for them. More than that, make a gift of the shoot. As I've discussed in prior posts (and there are lots of other accounts on the internet that will back me up on this), doing a boudoir shoot can be a great experience in building up a woman's confidence and helping her explore and embrace herself as an unabashedly sensual, beautiful creature -- but many women don't feel comfortable spending that much money on themselves, and for something that they might perceive as vain or frivolous.
If she doesn't have to pay for it, then she doesn't have to worry about that. Making a gift of the shoot removes both the financial pressure and the emotional pressure of having to worry about whether she's vain for wanting to do such a thing. Instead, her participation -- and the pictures -- becomes her reciprocal gift to you.
The flipside of this, however, is that I don't recommend springing for a shoot before you've discussed it with your partner and cleared it as something she really wants to do. This is not something I'd recommend as a surprise gift. If it's really not her thing, then she's stuck with a choice between doing something that she doesn't really want to do (and, spoiler, the pictures never come out looking great if the woman doesn't really want to be there, because confidence and enthusiasm are pretty key to boudoir), or potentially wasting a lot of money.
I think it's much better to wait until you've talked it over, settled on a photographer, and figured out a reasonable timetable for when she wants to do this (maybe she isn't totally happy with some aspect of her appearance right now and wants to take a couple of months to work on that first; for example, I totally ruined my nails recently by stripping them with acetone polish remover way too often, and it's probably going to be a couple of months before I have anything but stubby finger nubs going). Then you can go ahead and buy the gift shoot. But please, please don't lock her into anything by putting money down before you've talked.
And that concludes today's episode of Unsolicited Relationship Advice from a (Not-Yet-Existent) Romance Writer.
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