Next up is Doing the Best I Can, by Kathryn Edin and Timothy Nelson: an examination of low-income unmarried parenthood from the other side, this time taking a long hard look at the fathers.
This is in large part a story about a crisis of masculinity among less-educated and unskilled men, who find themselves economically and socially adrift, struggling to define themselves, and often unable to do so satisfactorily. The problem for me, as a reader (and Judgy Person), is that they aren't enduring this crisis in a vacuum; they're doing it in the context of relationships where a lot of other people get to suffer for their largely self-inflicted failures.
But we'll get to that.
Edin and Nelson identified a common pattern to these relationships, which tended to go more or less as follows: boy meets girl, they "begin to affiliate," and within weeks or months, when they consider that they've "moved to the next level," a pregnancy results.
The language used to describe these relationships is telling. Men rarely speak of "love" or "commitment," but rather use less weighted terms like "socializing" or "associating" to describe their level of involvement. They don't generally plan to become fathers, but they don't take precautions either -- they adopt a passive role, letting the girl decide, even if they feel no particular attachment or even liking for that girl.
In the great majority of cases, the couple don't even know each other that well. Children "often enue from relationships that have a haphazard, almost random quality. The women who bear these men's children seem to be indistinguishable from others that they 'get with' but don't happen to become pregnant[...] Precious few men are consciously courting a woman they believe will be a long-term partner around the time that pregnancy issues a one-way ticket to fatherhood."
The men usually take a similarly passive stance as to whether the woman should keep the baby. "While most fathers we spoke to believe abortion is wrong, even those who are strongly morally opposed are typically careful to say [that it's the woman's choice, as she'll be bearing the child]. While this sounds quite progressive, there is often another logic in play [... Because] the buck stops with her[,] men's sense of responsibility for bringing a child into the world in even wildly imperfect circumstances is significantly diminished."
And yet, at the same time, almost all of these men are delighted to become fathers. They don't deny paternity (some even go to great lengths to claim children that aren't theirs) and, contrary to "deadbeat dad" stereotypes, they earnestly, almost desperately want to be involved: "By embracing a less than perfectly planned conception, becoming a father, and attempting to meaningfully engage in a child's life, young men [...] are embracing the chance to do something productive to counteract the problems they see all around them. [...] 'I was happy' [at the news of impending fatherhood] is shorthand for a recognition of a rare opportunity for a clean start in a new role, immense gratitude for that opportunity, and a symbol of one's determination to take up the gauntlet and attempt to 'do right' by a child."
But the seeds of failure are already sown: the relationship with the mother is seldom serious, the responsibility for both conception and carrying the pregnancy to term is laid at the mother's doorstep, and the man's already half backed out from involvement even as the stakes are about to escalate for everyone.
Thus, despite both parties' best intentions and earnest efforts to make things work (and about 85% of these couples do make a serious try at a relationship), most of these fragile pairings fall apart before the baby reaches preschool age.
One major source of friction is that the couple often has nothing in common besides the baby. They don't share the same priorities, goals, or background (several of the couples profiled in this book involved one working-class person and one downright poor person, with all the culture clashes that entails), and they don't have the same expectations for their relationship.
Another major source of friction is that often "stark gender differences emerge in how [the man and woman] each thinks a father ought to respond." Women in these communities often respond to new motherhood by striving for economic stability (which, because of disparate gender expectations and norms, often means that they have to seek out full-time work while also being primary caretaker of the newborn and any other children they may have) and expecting their partners to do the same. The men, however, are seldom as quick to upend their lifestyles, and may cling to old (generally less responsible) habits for longer.
The result is that "[s]uddenly, she's set standards for his behavior that she may never have given voice to before, and he seldom sees this change coming." While middle-class men often respond by buckling down and taking on a more supportive role, "men at the bottom have a sharply different reaction. Women's demands are not met with [acceptance]. Instead, our men become bewildered, aggrieved, and enraged [...] The sudden change in a woman's expectations may, in fact, be read as a betrayal, conclusive evidence that she is lacking in commitment, willing to throw him over as soon as he fails to meet her mounting demands."
"Thus, as soon as a woman has the baby, she can easily be perceived as just one more authority figure -- the kind [these men] have been rebelling against all their lives -- who insists that he shape up and toe the line. And on the financial end she may be viewed as a mere mercenary, just out for his money [...] it is remarkable how men consistently fail to anticipate that their children's mother's expectations will rise after a birth, even if this baby is not their first."
This "makes it easy for him to blame the relationship's demise on her 'I'm the boss attitude' -- and even to extend the character assassination to the entire female half of the population."
Much of this is, of course, rooted in insecurity and the men's gnawing fear that they can't measure up. "Men on the economic edge, even in multiyear partnerships with several children together, often obsess about the younger guy with the nicer car who has a better job and might turn their girlfriend's head." There is a widespread and frequently expressed belief that "the greatest man in the world" would be overlooked by a woman "for somebody driving in a new car, a young guy."
Infidelity often springs from the same root. "[K]eeping multiple women on a string" increases the chances that at any given time, an insecure man "will be able to find at least one woman who will [...] 'ease his mind' and make him feel like a man." Fidelity therefore entails "forfeiting a significant source of esteem as well. Sometimes a marginal young man [may want] someone to believe that he is better than he really is, particularly when the level of his finances or his ability to resist the 'stupid shit' begins to fall short of the escalating demands of his child's mother, who may come to view him as a disappointment."
And so these relationships tend to founder and collapse, in part because the couple may simply be ill-suited to each other, but also often because many of the men are simply not willing to make the commitments necessary to sustain them.
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